No, I am not talking about water when I say the word "refreshment", although I do need to drink more water. I am simply speaking of what the Lord has done in my heart in the past month.
September, October and November were three of the hardest months of my time out here in the NW. I have never wanted to quit Young Life, pack up all my stuff and go home to Florida more than I did in those months. I wanted to bail out on everything, even if that was disobedient to what I knew God had called me to. Leaders were quiting, kids were just down right pissing me off and being so flakey and most of all....I was so tired of being alone in this. Not only was I emotionally exhausted from pouring and pouring into others but I was coming home to leaders for whom I felt like I had to be strong for (even though they never were expecting that). I wanted to share my life with someone, yet the Lord put me right SMACK DAB in the middle of a small town with NO one my age as far as the male gender was concerned. AND, as many of you know, for me to have a longing for my husband was weird because I had been really satisfied with being alone. But now, the desire was BURNING and I was fully convinced I would NEVER meet someone and was destined to be alone. I wanted my husband and felt the Lord had abandoned me.
Yet, in the midst of all of that, my time with the Lord was sweeter than ever. That may sound like such a contradiction to what I just said, but it's true. Every day, I woke up, fixed my coffee, shuffled myself to my couch and opened my bible. A lot of the time I would be crying to him, sometimes yelling, other times apologizing for my lack of faith. Nonetheless, I was with him and him with me. I knew he was there and he was the ONLY one helping me get out of bed everyday.
I recently moved into a place to live by myself. Not my choice, yet due to circumstances of all my roommates moving out, it was seemingly exactly what the Lord had for me. I was super resistent to this move because I thought, "Lord, I have told you I am sick of being alone and yet what do you do?!?! You FREAKING stick me in a situation where I am forced to yet again, be ALONE!" I searched for weeks for a place to live. Every one bedroom place was far too expensive for my little Young Life salary. I was stuck. I could not afford to live alone, yet there was no one to live with. I was humbled by this situation, yet the Lord knew what he was doing. I have an amazing team of adults who support me in my Young Life area. One of the couples on this team offered to pay for the majority of my rent! I was in shock! Not only that, but we found a place that is 1200 sq. feet and cost less to live in than a one bedroom apartment! So I moved into a 1200 sq feet, 2 bedroom house....all to myself. So far, living alone is not so bad...mostly because I am not one to lock myself in my house and I must say, living alone has forced me to be social and see my Portland friends again. Funny...something I was praying for in my last blog entry!
Yet, situations had not changed in my area. I was still tired, still alone and still wanting to peace out. I think I cried everyday for three weeks in November. On top of all of this, I was asked to speak at two Young Life camps, in which in my craziness, I agreed to. What I saw the Lord do in and through me during those two occassions is enough for another blog entry, but what I will say is that I watched the Lord take me, broken, exhausted and feeling like I had nothing to offer anyone and used me to bring the BEST news ever! The news of Jesus Christ, what he came to do, why he came to do it and what that means for us, the message of the cross and how we don't have a dead Jesus but a living savior....yes THAT news He brought to a bunch of high school kids in a way that I have never seen before. It was an out of body experience to know my state and yet watch how the Lord just disregarded it in helping me speak. I was literally crying my eyes out and throwing up in the bathroom from anxiety and 10 minutes later getting up to give a talk with so much joy and enthusiasm that no one would of believed what I looked like 10 minutes before that. The second speaking engagement was a bit different. I was in a much better place and was with some of my favorite high school girls in my life right now. Yet, still I watched the Lord once again, take all I thought I had to say, throw it out the window and say something completely different. It was awesome!
Early December I was having a REALLY bum day. It seemed everything was going wrong. I was trying so hard to keep my eyes on what is above than on current circumstances, but this day it seemed impossible. But you know what? The Lord loves me. He really does. He really loves you too and I am so thankful that he hears the cry of our hearts and speaks directly to them. It was almost like he was saying, "Ok Erin, no more crying....it's time for me to bless you and show you even more of my faithfulness."
Three blessings in my life, 1 person in my present and 1 from my past, and a devotional given to me by my boss, all experienced that day to tell me God had put me on their heart and needed to tell me about what he was revealing to them. If that is not encouraging enough, all three said the SAME THING. That was this..."The Lord is refining you more than ever right now to prepare you for something BRAND NEW that you have never experienced. This refinement is going to blow the socks off of what you have known of God thus far. You are about to enter into a new intimacy with him, uncharted waters and what he has for you just around the bend is going to bless you much more than what your longing heart has been crying out for." I was floored. It was exactly what I needed to hear and gave me so much hope. I literally woke up the next day with so much excitement for life, joy restored and REFRESHED. It was only the beginning.
The month of December has proved this prophetic word to be true. I can't begin to explain how blessed I feel right now and each day the Lord is revealing more and more of his faithfulness to me. I am walking with a new swag (haha). I look forward to waking up each day and have such a hopeful anticipation of what's to come! Yes, some day's are still challenging, but I am clinging to the promises he has made more than what is attempting to block my vision.
So, GOODBYE Fall and HELLO winter....a new season of life!!!! I am so excited for what's to come!
Hope this offered some sort of encouragement to you. If you feel like the Lord has forgotten you, HE HAS NOT! Take it from me, I know how you feel but I also can attest to how much he really does love us. So, drink him up right now and enjoy his refreshment :).
love.
E
