Know your worth, walk in confidence because of that.
Any friend who has known me for awhile would tell you that the phrase above is very common to come out of my mouth. I say it a lot. I try to live it out. To know whose I am…and walking in the confidence that comes with knowing that.
Lately though I have really struggled with this. I will talk about this later in this post.
I moved here to the Springs not knowing a single person. I spent the first 3 months ridding myself of my former Music Industry Professional identity and at the same time being completely alone with no community here. God taught me a lot about how much I depended on my friendships and how much I took them for granted at times in Nashville. I walked out of those 3 months and beyond, being REALLY thankful for the iron friendships I have been blessed with thus far and experiences I have been privileged to have…but knowing that none of those things defined me.
It also made me very aware and careful of who I choose to call “best friends”. Glenn Packiam said this best in one of his blogs that spoke about the “Myth of More”. How we feel, the more people we spend time with, the richer our lives are. The truth is that meaningful relationships are rare and special and require great care, time, and attention. I am completely guilty of this. I could honestly say that most of my time in Nashville was filled with every meal cover with someone to eat with and coffee dates at least four times a week…not to mention the job I had the required well over 50 hours a week. No wonder I was exhausted when I finally arrived out here. I filled my life with more and more and more. And to be honest…I can’t say that I was completely connected with anything I was doing. I can’t say that I always was genuinely wanting to go to dinner or coffee with someone to connect, talk about life and how God was moving. I wanted to fill my empty time and although I loved these people DEARLY, my motive for hanging out was FAR from genuine at times.
All that to say, moving out here I more aware and sensitive as EVER on how I spend my time. I am not perfect at it. Do I still over book myself at moments…yes. Do I still have a hard time saying No…yes. But I KNOW that I am becoming more and more sensitive to it every day and in return, I am putting an end to those bad habits and be a better steward with time.
So I have made some great friends out here. Friends that I am comfortable to be completely myself around. I am so very thankful that it is seldom I walk away from hanging out with some of these friends and not feel like I know them any less. I am encouraged more because of the iron that provide in my life and vise versa.
But….
Lately I have noticed something weird. For one, I feel like the perceptions that some could have of me are false. It seems to be easy for people to write me off as “someone who is prideful because she worked in the Music Biz”. It is rare that a day goes by where we will all be talking and something will come up about music or something related to music and someone will not say “Oh you know that famous person too” or “ Oh look at you Miss Music Professional…you just know everyone don’t you”. Although they claim it is joking, do you really think that there could be no truth to it when someone says it EVERY time you hang out? It has started to really hurt me. Like I said earlier, I hate the thought that a lot of “who I was” is defined by a job. This is not something I chose for myself. It at times was just kind of what evolved. I hated it and that is why I have run so far from it. The funny thing is none of my friends in Nashville cared. No one cared where I worked or who I knew. They just loved me for me. I loved this. I loved that everyone knew everyone and so who cares who you know. It was great b/c it kept me from ever being prideful. PLUS they are just people. They eat, drink, go to the store and poop just like us (hahaha). BUT here something has changed. I feel like anytime people ask me about myself or where I came from and I tell them about my past, I get a look of “ You think you are so cool” or someone will actually say it. I just want to scream…” NO I DON’T”. If I really cared about that stuff I probably would of never left Nashville. That job just wasn’t me. I am not “cool” enough to walk and talk like those peeps do….and quite frankly I don’t want to.
This has really upset me. I have found myself quite bitter at friends here and having a hard time being around them.
In church yesterday we received communion. As I was sitting there, I was reminded of the fact that it just doesn’t matter what people think. Not to be naive, but it really doesn’t matter. I know who I am. I know that of all the things I want in this life, fame is not one of those. I love the kingdom and I want to see more people become a part. I am willing to go wherever and do whatever He calls me to do because of this. I know that I have found more peace here because I am finally CHOOSING to listen to Him. (side note: how cool is it that the God of the universe communicates with us and directs our path). I know I am not perfect and never will be. I know though, that I serve a God who doesn’t expect that of me…but the more I draw closer to him, the more I want to be just like him…and he was perfect. So with this said, I need to let what people think of me go. And love people well. Be myself. And if someone asks me a question about my passions or my past job or my family….to not even think twice of what people will think of me when I open my mouth.
So I chose to forgive all those people I was upset with. Who am I to hold a grudge when I have been guilty of the same thing before. I am choosing to forgive myself of the burden of trying to not look like I think I am cool, and in return makes me look fake because I am trying too hard. I am just going to be me. I don’t want to waste my time any more on trying to prove that I am not trying to prove myself. It just throws me in un-healthy place. I am also forgiving myself of allowing other people’s opinion to crush my spirit. NOTHING should get to me that much if my eyes are the one who made me.
I am glad I have had experiences that I have. I am glad that I can offer knowledge to people who have questions about different things in the Music Industry. My heart really is for equipping and encouraging worship leaders and others who feel called to music. I also love high school kids and working with the ones that no adult will go near…kids that would never step foot in a church. I love earning their friendship and in return a right to be heard in their life. That is the truth…but…at the end of the day I am not defined by either of those things. And regardless of what people think, because they are going to think what they want, I get to walk in the confidence of knowing my worth and where it comes from. Anyone who passes judgment without ever getting to know me is missing out. Their loss. But I can’t say I haven’t done the same. I definitely have passed judgment before knowing someone. I want to be better about this. I want deep rooted friendships and I know I deserve them. The peace that comes with that outweighs all else. That makes me really happy. I am excited about the rest of my journey here and the friendships I continue to make with people. I am thankful that the Lord NEVER stops refining us and teaching. I want to be a woman of integrity and he is showing me exactly what that looks like more and more everyday!
