Refreshment

No, I am not talking about water when I say the word "refreshment", although I do need to drink more water. I am simply speaking of what the Lord has done in my heart in the past month.

September, October and November were three of the hardest months of my time out here in the NW. I have never wanted to quit Young Life, pack up all my stuff and go home to Florida more than I did in those months. I wanted to bail out on everything, even if that was disobedient to what I knew God had called me to. Leaders were quiting, kids were just down right pissing me off and being so flakey and most of all....I was so tired of being alone in this. Not only was I emotionally exhausted from pouring and pouring into others but I was coming home to leaders for whom I felt like I had to be strong for (even though they never were expecting that). I wanted to share my life with someone, yet the Lord put me right SMACK DAB in the middle of a small town with NO one my age as far as the male gender was concerned. AND, as many of you know, for me to have a longing for my husband was weird because I had been really satisfied with being alone. But now, the desire was BURNING and I was fully convinced I would NEVER meet someone and was destined to be alone. I wanted my husband and felt the Lord had abandoned me.

Yet, in the midst of all of that, my time with the Lord was sweeter than ever. That may sound like such a contradiction to what I just said, but it's true. Every day, I woke up, fixed my coffee, shuffled myself to my couch and opened my bible. A lot of the time I would be crying to him, sometimes yelling, other times apologizing for my lack of faith. Nonetheless, I was with him and him with me. I knew he was there and he was the ONLY one helping me get out of bed everyday.

I recently moved into a place to live by myself. Not my choice, yet due to circumstances of all my roommates moving out, it was seemingly exactly what the Lord had for me. I was super resistent to this move because I thought, "Lord, I have told you I am sick of being alone and yet what do you do?!?! You FREAKING stick me in a situation where I am forced to yet again, be ALONE!" I searched for weeks for a place to live. Every one bedroom place was far too expensive for my little Young Life salary. I was stuck. I could not afford to live alone, yet there was no one to live with. I was humbled by this situation, yet the Lord knew what he was doing. I have an amazing team of adults who support me in my Young Life area. One of the couples on this team offered to pay for the majority of my rent! I was in shock! Not only that, but we found a place that is 1200 sq. feet and cost less to live in than a one bedroom apartment! So I moved into a 1200 sq feet, 2 bedroom house....all to myself. So far, living alone is not so bad...mostly because I am not one to lock myself in my house and I must say, living alone has forced me to be social and see my Portland friends again. Funny...something I was praying for in my last blog entry!

Yet, situations had not changed in my area. I was still tired, still alone and still wanting to peace out. I think I cried everyday for three weeks in November. On top of all of this, I was asked to speak at two Young Life camps, in which in my craziness, I agreed to. What I saw the Lord do in and through me during those two occassions is enough for another blog entry, but what I will say is that I watched the Lord take me, broken, exhausted and feeling like I had nothing to offer anyone and used me to bring the BEST news ever! The news of Jesus Christ, what he came to do, why he came to do it and what that means for us, the message of the cross and how we don't have a dead Jesus but a living savior....yes THAT news He brought to a bunch of high school kids in a way that I have never seen before. It was an out of body experience to know my state and yet watch how the Lord just disregarded it in helping me speak. I was literally crying my eyes out and throwing up in the bathroom from anxiety and 10 minutes later getting up to give a talk with so much joy and enthusiasm that no one would of believed what I looked like 10 minutes before that. The second speaking engagement was a bit different. I was in a much better place and was with some of my favorite high school girls in my life right now. Yet, still I watched the Lord once again, take all I thought I had to say, throw it out the window and say something completely different. It was awesome!

Early December I was having a REALLY bum day. It seemed everything was going wrong. I was trying so hard to keep my eyes on what is above than on current circumstances, but this day it seemed impossible. But you know what? The Lord loves me. He really does. He really loves you too and I am so thankful that he hears the cry of our hearts and speaks directly to them. It was almost like he was saying, "Ok Erin, no more crying....it's time for me to bless you and show you even more of my faithfulness."

Three blessings in my life, 1 person in my present and 1 from my past, and a devotional given to me by my boss, all experienced that day to tell me God had put me on their heart and needed to tell me about what he was revealing to them. If that is not encouraging enough, all three said the SAME THING. That was this..."The Lord is refining you more than ever right now to prepare you for something BRAND NEW that you have never experienced. This refinement is going to blow the socks off of what you have known of God thus far. You are about to enter into a new intimacy with him, uncharted waters and what he has for you just around the bend is going to bless you much more than what your longing heart has been crying out for." I was floored. It was exactly what I needed to hear and gave me so much hope. I literally woke up the next day with so much excitement for life, joy restored and REFRESHED. It was only the beginning.

The month of December has proved this prophetic word to be true. I can't begin to explain how blessed I feel right now and each day the Lord is revealing more and more of his faithfulness to me. I am walking with a new swag (haha). I look forward to waking up each day and have such a hopeful anticipation of what's to come! Yes, some day's are still challenging, but I am clinging to the promises he has made more than what is attempting to block my vision.

So, GOODBYE Fall and HELLO winter....a new season of life!!!! I am so excited for what's to come!

Hope this offered some sort of encouragement to you. If you feel like the Lord has forgotten you, HE HAS NOT! Take it from me, I know how you feel but I also can attest to how much he really does love us. So, drink him up right now and enjoy his refreshment :).

love.
E

changes....

Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

Every Season, Nichole Nordeman

Don't have a lot of time to write tonight, so more on why I posted this later...let's just say for now that there is LOTS of change happening and I am holding on tight. All I hear is Jesus asking, "Do you trust me?"

It's Been Awhile...

Blogging for me is really hard. This past year an a half has been busier, crazier and just down right insane, more than ever in my life. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE what the Lord has called me to, but I never anticipated this would be what life would look like.

I realize I have many friend across the country who want to know what is going on in the life of Erin and to be honest, I can't be consistent in calling everyone I love as often as I would like to think I can. So...I guess blogging is going to be the best way to keep people caught up on my life.

Multiple people have emailed recently, asking me why I don't blog anymore. That cracks me up because most of this is just me babbling, but if anyone cares to hear the babble, then read on!

So I live in Portland now...well actually Camas, WA, which is about 15-20 minutes outside of Portland. I am on Young Life staff, acting as the Area Director which means I oversee the ministry of Young Life in this community, which is 3 high schools and 5 middle schools. I seriously love what God has called me to and can not imagine a more perfect fit for me.

I am not going to lie....it's REALLY exhausting and I am learning a lot about what it means to take time of solitude. I am not good at that. I don't know many people in ministry who are...but that is NO excuse. For me to think it is even remotely possible to give and pour my life out to others and not have time to sit, be still and be re-fuel is PSYCHO...yet I don't make time for this.

It is hard living so far from my family. I am originally from Florida and I really miss them. Therefore, I am also learning how to be confident in what God has called me to and find rest in that. I love living the Northwest, but sometimes I wish Portland and Florida were next door to each other....or that my family would move here....or maybe not b/c of the rain out here and I know that my family could not live without sunshine (and the warm ocean).

I love my friendships out here. Although I feel lonely a lot because of how busy I am and having a lack of time for my friends, I realize the value in them and I am hoping to get better at time not only time of solitude, but time for fun too! I do miss my friendships from my past and thank you Jesus that I still talk to most of them, for NO ONE can replace them, but I am thankful that God has given me sweet friendships out here. I am still longing for more "iron" friendships but I know those come with time.

I have a couple incredible mentors out here. This is something that I thank the Lord for everyday. I would not of survived my first year on YL staff without these amazing men and women pouring into my life. I could write a book at what I have learned from them and I am sure you will get glimpses of there wisdom as I will most likely be quoting them quite a bit on this blog. That's what happens when you have people kicking your butt. It is sharpening me into more and more of the woman God has called me to be.

I am learning a lot right now about the difference in pleasing God and trusting God. I tend to try and please God a lot more than I choose to trust him. The bad news with this is that any type of "pleasing" I try to bring requires not trust. God is showing me that through trusting him, the overflow of my heart is what ultimately pleases him. More on this in another entry soon to come.

Welp, that's all I got. I love you, whomever you are reading this and sorry if I never answer your calls. It has no reflection on my love for you or your value to me....I am just plain insane and trying to find time to answer my phone. It will happen soon enough.

thanks for caring enough to read this babble. :)
-E