Ok..I love Sara Groves. There is a song from her older album "Conversations" called "Hello Lord" that is stuck in my head today. The words in this song are the exact words I would write in a letter to God today. So here they are...but they are not my own...just to make sure you don't think that I am the author.
Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.
I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.
And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering
This move to Portland is getting the best of me. I am soooo excited...but also super nervous. I have no idea where it is coming from. I am NEVER like this but then again I have always made REALLY QUICK decisions when I move. I have had months and months to process this...which I am learning is wearing on me because I wasn't taking my thoughts captive like I should have.
Is it the unknown that scares me? Sure. But everything is relatively unknown. We THINK we know what's going to happen but REALLY our Father had been in control the entire time. Everything thus far that I dreamed of doing or THOUGHT I would do has gone VERY differently than I planned. SOOOOO much better than my plans. I am learning just how much of a planner I am and how while I know the Lord delights in our dreaming, I think He also requires us to hold on to thing loosely. I CLING to my plans and that eliminates the need for trust. Brennan Manning says in his book "Ruthless Trust", "Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love". AMEN and AMEN. Man oh man I want to trust Him more. I want to walk in confidence in the direction He leads...and I believe I will. I believe in the calling he has put on my life to love high school kids. I need to feel the weight of that and walk accordingly with thankfulness and honor for what I am able to serve him through!
I am going to Portland to visit January 15-19. I am excited about the trip, not only to meet people but also to explore the new city that I will call home! Maybe this trip will help in that trust. Or maybe I should start fervently seeking Him to gain that trust. whoa.
Ok, that's all for now. If you are new to reading this, just be prepared for my entire vulnerability and honesty. I don't hold back. haha.
Love to you!
