Moved from Nashville to Colorado Springs exactly 6 months ago. Worked in the music industry for 2 ½ years and never wanted to leave. God had other plans. I fought and fought and fought to hang on. Comfort. Security. But miserable. Miserable because I was not wanting to listen. I wanted to make plans that sounded good and go with them. God wasn't allowing it. He left me completely restless. That restlessness turned to discomfort. Discomfort to depression. I wanted a way out. I wanted to be a Kingdom builder but not sacrifice anything. Impossible to do, but still I tried. Didn’t work.
Finally I was awakened in Austin, TX where I was attending a Worship Conference for work. The Lord literally woke me up at 2am and asked me if I was willing to go wherever he lead. My answer was so hard to get out…but I said yes. The next day Colorado Springs was on my heart. WHAT? I have never even been there. Oh well. Compassion International was there. Young Life’s headquarters was there. Let’s go.
So I quit my job and packed my car. It literally all happened so fast that I could not even think about it. I said goodbye and didn’t look back. Meanwhile, I was in communication for a job at Compassion. The lead seemed promising. I once again had “some sort of security” to get me through where he was leading. Compassion called…the offer was off. I was half way to Colorado and half way away from Nashville. I could turn around. I didn’t. I kept going.
The best word to describe what I experienced in the next 3 months was revolutionary. No that doesn’t justify it. I would say ambitious and heart wrenching. Ok so three words…so God had set me out on an ambitious and heart wrenching revolution. My life was changing constantly. Not one single day was the same. Joy one day and utter chaos the next. I was feeling every emotion from fear and being terrified to an inexpressible joy and hope. I didn’t have job, yet God was providing. I had no friends yet God was soothing the loneliness. I had no one who knew well like my friends in Nashville did, yet God was showing me more of myself than any of those friends ever could. I had everything I needed…yet I was panicky. I wanted to know what was next. I wanted a schedule. I wanted to be busy. And I wasn’t. I was as free as a bird…and had no one to share my time with. God began to challenge my heart. He wanted to be my sole source of ALL. All comfort, all security, all I need. I was having a hard time with letting him in that far. You see, I would run to friends much faster than I ever did to God. Even though their advice a lot of times reflected God, they were not God. I tossed and tossed and turned and turned and finally broke. I knew I had to listen. So I did…and this is what he said:
“Take joy in doing my will…for the instructions for your life, will be written on your heart”. I needed to take joy in whatever he was leading me to. Whether I would have a career in cleaning bathrooms, having a high profile job, or no job at all, I was asked, no DEMANDED, to TAKE JOY! Hmmmm…
I applied for an internship with Young Life, one of my biggest passion on the earth. I love high school kids. I love the vulnerability you can still find in them. I love that they are moldable and I think they will change the world IF they have someone to tell them of the one who already did change it. I got the internship. After 3 months of applying all over Colorado Springs, from big Non-Profit organizations, to a local coffee shop…this was my first offer. After looking at the offer of $$$, I turned it down..it couldn’t pay my bills. They called me back within 2 days with a new title and new offer for salary. What I asked is what they matched. Incredible.
So here I am…working for Young Life. Writing articles for a magazine. Doing PR. Hanging out with HS kids ALLLLLL the time. Amazing. I LOVE IT!
Now fast forward. I went back to Nashville a couple days ago. Went to see my friends and have some closure to my season there. I will be honest…I secretly hoped the Lord would tell me I could come back…but he didn’t and instead I was affirmed that is not where I am to be. I was broken. I missed those people so much. I cherish the way they know me so well and are not scared to call me out. And now, the Lord is saying I cannot be back with them. I was so angry.
Did you read everything I had said before that last paragraph? God had given me all I needed and more. I had a dream of a job…not to mention the friendships I have made here are amazing and so so so what I prayed for…but I am still left wanting something I cannot have. Selfish.
I was fine before I left to go to Nashville…and not I am a wreck. I need to spend time alone…with Jesus…just like the beginning and be reminded of how he is taking care of me, how he delights in me and how he wants me to be satisfied in him ALONE and not letting the enemy (which is clearly what is trippin me up) steal my joy, when there is nothing to not be joyful about!!
My prayer is that the Lord will shake me. I know…so dangerous to pray but I need it. I am in such a funk and it is effecting those around me…and I don’t like it. So there I am…being super really honest. I know the Lord will pull me out…I just need to actually let him, instead of choosing to stay in this pit of self pity. I will get out…
As I am typing this, I reminded of the truth that has been promised to us. Never in the history of the scripture did God ever give up on his kids. Did he put them through fires...sure....but NEVER gave up. He wanted the best for his kids and so he went to all costs to give us that. I am confident that He really has the BEST in mind for me. i am so happy here in Colorado Springs and KNOW this is where I am to be....i just need to let go of Nashville and realize that those relationships are not going anywhere.
Thanks for your prayers and patience with me to both my new friends and old.
