Blooming wherever I am planted

Disciple of Christ

2011-12-09T16:16:00.001-08:00

Disciple of Christ. What does it mean to be one of these?

Well, let me start from what it is not. It is not working in ministry. It is not volunteering at a homeless shelter. It is not going to church. These are all great things but they are not by definition a disciple of Christ.

This summer, I thought a lot about what it means to be a disciple of Christ and realized I defined it in my life by "doing." So if I wasn't "doing" then I was not a disciple of Christ. CRAP. On top of a busy schedule, I need to DO something in order be considered one of these? I give up.

Good news. It is NOT doing.

In greek, disciple is maqhthv" (matheˉteˉs) which refers generally to any “student,” “pupil,” “apprentice,” or “adherent,” as opposed to a “teacher.” Now hang with me on this one. When does a student get up in the middle of class and start teaching the other classmates multiplication when he has never done it himself? NEVER. That's impossible! But, that student sits under the teaching of that teacher, learns multiplication backwards and forwards. Then, that student could start helping their peers with multiplication. Pretty soon this student is now tutoring other students. So a disciple learns first, then acts second, spreading the knowledge of what they learned.

Let's look at an example from the bible. Luke 10:38-42
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I love Martha in this. I have been Martha so many times. She is (excuse the language) PISSED at her sister for being seemingly "lazy." Oh the times I have felt that way towards others in my life. I can't stand sitting still and can't stand people who sit still....Yet, what did Jesus say. "You are worried and upset over many things, but few are needed." In other words..."girl, chill out and quit trying to DO without me teaching you HOW to, first. REST." We do not like to rest. We feel lazy, apathetic and useless if we are not doing. YET, Jesus (remember him, the one we are supposed to be like) was telling Martha to sit at his feet, with her sister, and LEARN from him. How often do we get some crazy, exciting, can't-sit-still-or-I-may-pee-my-pants idea and act on it too soon. OR...suffocate something that is good because we got impatient in the wait (ouch!). We are not God...I repeat, we are not God. Is Christ in us, YES, but sometimes we think we know more about the way the world should run than God does. That is just silly but I do it all the time.

So, if being a disciple of Christ is sitting still long enough to listen and learn from the GREAT teacher, then when does action come into play?

The great commission, which I spoke on in my last entry, is to go and make disciples of all the nations. There is indeed action in that. We are not called to just sit at the feet of Christ and never get up to go out and spread the good news of what we were taught. But the key is to learn FIRST. When Jesus gave the great commission to his disciples, what happened before that? They had spent three years LEARNING from him. Now, I am not saying you need to spend three years before you ever go out and do anything for Christ again, but, I am saying that we are INEFFECTIVE in being disciples of Christ if we NEVER sit at his feet and learn from him so that we can be sent out!

In Young Life we have something called Campaigner's. This is a time for the high school and middle school girl's (separately) to get together with their Young Life leader's and study the bible. We talk about life, God and how the two collide. We dissect scripture. We pray together. We laugh a lot. We learn together what it means to be a disciple of Christ. Why? Not only so we can grow in our faith, but so we can go out and tell other's about this love we have found in Him.

I love that I get to tell lost kids about Christ. I love getting to see those kids come to know Him. I love getting to love those kids who still don't know Him. I am passionate about this. But I am called, to make disciples. I cannot just TELL kids about Christ, I need to show them what it looks like to follow him too and to show them the greatest example of it through encouraging them to look at him, Jesus.

So being a disciple of Christ is submitting to his teaching, sitting at his feet to learn and then taking what he has taught us and going and living it out!

I could work for Young Life, see tons of results and "do" a ton, but I will eventually burn out and become ineffective if I don't take the time to stop and learn from him.

I am giving you permission to STOP, rest and learn from him so that you can be the BEST of what he created you for. There will be seasons of feeling useless but trust me...in those "hidden" seasons, you are learning far more that you realize now for those season where you are called to "go out." I wish I would of known this before I started in this ministry....a lot of horrible moments of burn-out could of been avoided :).

So, take courage in knowing that whether you are feeling most effective in what God has called you to or you are in a "waiting" room for what's next, he is preparing you. He is beckoning you to come and sit at his feet (just like Mary) and learn. There is no sweeter place to be then at HIS feet (and his feet DON'T smell...b/c I hate feet and that would just be horrible ;) ).

Life Unhidden.

2011-11-16T10:16:00.001-08:00

"The true test of a saint’s life is not successfulness but faithfulness on the human level of life. We tend to set up success in Christian work as our purpose, but our purpose should be to display the glory of God in human life, to live a life “hidden with Christ in God” in our everyday human conditions" -Oswald Chambers

Life has been quite interesting lately. In the midst of change, I have found a whole new perspective on what it means to be a child of God. My church, Door of Hope has been going through the Beatitudes for the past 5 weeks and it has wrecked my view on what we are REALLY called to live like. I know I will probably write a VERY LONG blog post on all I have learned from this, so stayed tuned.

I have had a lot of time to reflect lately on life. I have realized just how much I strive for successfulness even if that means I abandon faithfulness. Now this sounds horrible and it is! Working for a non-profit Christian organization, I think that my purpose is to be SO successful at my job because IT'S FOR THE KINGDOM! So, if I can get 200 kids to Young Life club and disciple 100 and send 1,000 kids to camp from my area each year, then I have SUCCEEDED! Wrong.

Truth is....this is not the point of why the Lord has called me to this. When I felt the Lord calling me to go on Young Life staff, there was no voice saying, "And I need you to be the most successful person at this in the world by getting a ton of kids to club and camp." No. The calling was the same as yours. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19

So if this is what we are called to, why do we make it so formulated? And how do we measure success?

My guess is that we make things formulated because of longing for control. We want control because then we will always know the outcome. So if I build a formula of what I believe will make me successful in life (for the KINGDOM..ha.) then I can ensure that I will never fail. Oh, but what an endless and losing battle this will be. Success is not measured by any gauge we use. Success is, in reality, faithfulness to living a life hidden with Christ in God. Jesus lived 30 years in obscurity, hidden in God. Although we know little about those years of his life, I know he did not spend it thinking about anything but his Father's call. He was not concerned with success as the world had measured it. Success was remaining in unwavering and close relationship with the Father. He was about his Father's business, not the world's.

But we don't just struggle with this in a job....we struggle this in how other's see us.

I have felt weighed down and broken in the past couple months and at some point I realized that I did not believe I had anything to offer because of it. How can I be successful AND broken? How can someone love me when I am broken. Those two don't go hand and hand. Yet, I have seen the Lord work through me in the midst my brokenness more in the last month, then I have EVER seen him work in my life. I have pressed in and hard to him, I have wept more tears than I knew existed in the human body and have felt his presence covering me constantly. I am dependent. I literally cannot make it without Him. I was scared at first for my Young Life girls to see me like this. I am the leader. I need to be strong for them. Yet, I can not fake it. I am undone.

The miracle of it all is that never in all the years of doing Young Life have I had girls want to meet with me more. I asked one of them yesterday, "why do you still want to hang with me, when I am so sad?" She said, "Because it is comforting to know you bleed too. I want to be around someone who not only loves God as passionately as you do, but who is honest that life is hard sometimes and we just need to be real with that." You see my friends, THIS IS IT. We think we are safe behind our masks. We think we can survive this life by not dealing with our hurt and pain. We think we can just stuff it and move on. Yet, is that living a life hidden in Christ with God in our everyday human condition? No. Gosh, the destruction I have witnessed in lives around me, people I love SO deeply and even in my own life because of this very issue. We are called to live life in Christ, UNHIDDEN before him, yet our lives hidden IN him. The only road to healing is life in Christ and surrender in that. Life with the mask off, totally living as we are.

So...if you are broken-hearted, be broken-hearted in a life hidden in Christ. If you are ashamed, know the blood of Christ has covered a multitude of sin and go to him with all of it and rest in a life hidden in him. Even if life is sweet for you, the sweetness comes from Christ and a life hidden in him. Don't hide from your pain, don't hide from difficulty, don't hide from being as you are right now. Walk through it with faithfulness in trusting that ONLY through a life hidden in Christ will healing come. HEALING WILL COME, you saint!

There is hope too in this. When I find myself doubting the healing that can come in my life or in someone's life whom I love, I remember this truth. We CANNOT be hidden in Christ and NOT be healed by him too. Healing is happening and that brings so much hope to my heart. We are not stuck in our current condition because Christ is setting us free daily and renewing us daily, so much so that one day we will look back on these days and smile at HIS faithfulness in our lives. Even if at times we are "faithless, HE WILL remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

This is good news.

Jesus Calling

2011-02-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

That is the name of the devotional that my boss gave all of us Young Life staffer's for Christmas this year. I spoke about it in my last entry. Upon receiving it, a lot of us were thinking, "oh great, just what we need...another devotional." That is meant to sound ungrateful, I am so grateful, but working in a Christian non-profit company, this is the most common gift you are given....and you have a book shelf FULL of them. YET, this devotional is LIKE NO OTHER. I opened it on a day this past December, in which I was feeling VERY attacked and wanting to throw in the towel with not only Young Life but living in the Northwest. The entire devotional is written from the perspective of Jesus speaking directly to us...a love letter. The entry for that day said this:
"Don't be surprised by the fiery attacks on your mind.When you struggle to find Me and to live in My Peace, don't let discouragement set in. You are engaged in a massive warfare, spiritually speaking. The evil one abhors your closeness to Me, and his demonic underlings are determined to destroy our intimacy. When you find yourself in the thick of battle call upon My Name, "Jesus, help me!" At that instant, the battle becomes Mine; your role is simply to trust Me as I fight for you."

I could sense God's presence in that moment telling me to "LET GO!" Surrender is a word thrown around a lot in Christian culture but I have come to find that it is something many of us have no clue how to do. Surrender, in my opinion, is the emptying of ourselves to the point that we have nothing left to give or hold on to. It is almost of state of complete desperation sometimes. Surrender in that season of life was me crying out to God with tears flowing constantly, everyday for 3 weeks. It was the moments of saying I can't hold on tight to this anymore and literally giving up. That is the moment this devotional was referring to. "JESUS, HELP ME!" moment. It was hard to utter those words because I thought I had the ability to fix everything....but I didn't. I felt in those days, the battle becoming not mine. Literally. Every morning I woke up knowing God was working...something I had not felt in a long time.

I have had a lot of conversations lately with dear friends and Young Life girls about this very topic...surrender. They spill their hearts to me about what they are feeling anxious about or where in their life they don't feel like God is at work. I know exactly what they are feeling, yet I also know what they are not doing....surrendering. It's like God is moving forward in all of these area's of their lives, area's that they have cried out to God about for years, area's where they feel healing will never come, area's where they feel God has placed a vision in their hearts and they long to see it come to fruition....all of these area's God is surpassing their expectations and victory and freedom have happened, yet their lens is on foggy. Because they are so consumed with what they are pleading to God for, they are missing out on what he has already done in the other places of their life. They are missing out on the very proof that HE IS SURE to come to our rescue and give his kids GREAT gifts.

Our lens is on our present suffering. If we would only surrender and move the lens to what he has already done, we would see victory in that area. It's like a kid wanting a chocolate bar but not realizing he is in a candy store and there is a ton of candy all around him. God is at work on our behalf but he wants us to let go of whatever is making our knuckles turn white, so that he can move in that area.

Maybe that area is God bringing you a wife or husband. Maybe that area is the vision you feel he has given you for your future career but you are stuck at a coffee shop working. Maybe that area is wanting to be healed from your past. The list continues....

But, have you surrendered it? I am not talking about saying "I surrender this" but I am talking about literally getting on your knee's and emptying yourself. I know from the past months and really the entire life I have lived that I have filled with requests to God, that it is really hard to hear God or see him work with you have ear plugs in and a blind-fold on.

I am telling you friends, he is GOOD. He works on our behalf constantly. I have had a REALLY crappy week, yet I have seen the evidence of him being at work on my behalf without any contribution from me. He wants to bless you, but you got to give him all your cares and concerns, anxious thoughts and past mistakes, and empty them at his feet.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31

What a promise we have! I am thankful to know we serve a God who LOVE us enough to put up with our ridiculous doubting and bratty ways. Sometimes I wonder how much God is laughing at how oblivious I can be to what he has ALREADY done.

Just know, YOU are not alone and I am right there with you. It's a process...but I am learning that surrender is oh so sweet to our precious Lord!

Refreshment

2010-12-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

No, I am not talking about water when I say the word "refreshment", although I do need to drink more water. I am simply speaking of what the Lord has done in my heart in the past month.

September, October and November were three of the hardest months of my time out here in the NW. I have never wanted to quit Young Life, pack up all my stuff and go home to Florida more than I did in those months. I wanted to bail out on everything, even if that was disobedient to what I knew God had called me to. Leaders were quiting, kids were just down right pissing me off and being so flakey and most of all....I was so tired of being alone in this. Not only was I emotionally exhausted from pouring and pouring into others but I was coming home to leaders for whom I felt like I had to be strong for (even though they never were expecting that). I wanted to share my life with someone, yet the Lord put me right SMACK DAB in the middle of a small town with NO one my age as far as the male gender was concerned. AND, as many of you know, for me to have a longing for my husband was weird because I had been really satisfied with being alone. But now, the desire was BURNING and I was fully convinced I would NEVER meet someone and was destined to be alone. I wanted my husband and felt the Lord had abandoned me.

Yet, in the midst of all of that, my time with the Lord was sweeter than ever. That may sound like such a contradiction to what I just said, but it's true. Every day, I woke up, fixed my coffee, shuffled myself to my couch and opened my bible. A lot of the time I would be crying to him, sometimes yelling, other times apologizing for my lack of faith. Nonetheless, I was with him and him with me. I knew he was there and he was the ONLY one helping me get out of bed everyday.

I recently moved into a place to live by myself. Not my choice, yet due to circumstances of all my roommates moving out, it was seemingly exactly what the Lord had for me. I was super resistent to this move because I thought, "Lord, I have told you I am sick of being alone and yet what do you do?!?! You FREAKING stick me in a situation where I am forced to yet again, be ALONE!" I searched for weeks for a place to live. Every one bedroom place was far too expensive for my little Young Life salary. I was stuck. I could not afford to live alone, yet there was no one to live with. I was humbled by this situation, yet the Lord knew what he was doing. I have an amazing team of adults who support me in my Young Life area. One of the couples on this team offered to pay for the majority of my rent! I was in shock! Not only that, but we found a place that is 1200 sq. feet and cost less to live in than a one bedroom apartment! So I moved into a 1200 sq feet, 2 bedroom house....all to myself. So far, living alone is not so bad...mostly because I am not one to lock myself in my house and I must say, living alone has forced me to be social and see my Portland friends again. Funny...something I was praying for in my last blog entry!

Yet, situations had not changed in my area. I was still tired, still alone and still wanting to peace out. I think I cried everyday for three weeks in November. On top of all of this, I was asked to speak at two Young Life camps, in which in my craziness, I agreed to. What I saw the Lord do in and through me during those two occassions is enough for another blog entry, but what I will say is that I watched the Lord take me, broken, exhausted and feeling like I had nothing to offer anyone and used me to bring the BEST news ever! The news of Jesus Christ, what he came to do, why he came to do it and what that means for us, the message of the cross and how we don't have a dead Jesus but a living savior....yes THAT news He brought to a bunch of high school kids in a way that I have never seen before. It was an out of body experience to know my state and yet watch how the Lord just disregarded it in helping me speak. I was literally crying my eyes out and throwing up in the bathroom from anxiety and 10 minutes later getting up to give a talk with so much joy and enthusiasm that no one would of believed what I looked like 10 minutes before that. The second speaking engagement was a bit different. I was in a much better place and was with some of my favorite high school girls in my life right now. Yet, still I watched the Lord once again, take all I thought I had to say, throw it out the window and say something completely different. It was awesome!

Early December I was having a REALLY bum day. It seemed everything was going wrong. I was trying so hard to keep my eyes on what is above than on current circumstances, but this day it seemed impossible. But you know what? The Lord loves me. He really does. He really loves you too and I am so thankful that he hears the cry of our hearts and speaks directly to them. It was almost like he was saying, "Ok Erin, no more crying....it's time for me to bless you and show you even more of my faithfulness."

Three blessings in my life, 1 person in my present and 1 from my past, and a devotional given to me by my boss, all experienced that day to tell me God had put me on their heart and needed to tell me about what he was revealing to them. If that is not encouraging enough, all three said the SAME THING. That was this..."The Lord is refining you more than ever right now to prepare you for something BRAND NEW that you have never experienced. This refinement is going to blow the socks off of what you have known of God thus far. You are about to enter into a new intimacy with him, uncharted waters and what he has for you just around the bend is going to bless you much more than what your longing heart has been crying out for." I was floored. It was exactly what I needed to hear and gave me so much hope. I literally woke up the next day with so much excitement for life, joy restored and REFRESHED. It was only the beginning.

The month of December has proved this prophetic word to be true. I can't begin to explain how blessed I feel right now and each day the Lord is revealing more and more of his faithfulness to me. I am walking with a new swag (haha). I look forward to waking up each day and have such a hopeful anticipation of what's to come! Yes, some day's are still challenging, but I am clinging to the promises he has made more than what is attempting to block my vision.

So, GOODBYE Fall and HELLO winter....a new season of life!!!! I am so excited for what's to come!

Hope this offered some sort of encouragement to you. If you feel like the Lord has forgotten you, HE HAS NOT! Take it from me, I know how you feel but I also can attest to how much he really does love us. So, drink him up right now and enjoy his refreshment :).

love.
E

changes....

2010-11-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

Every Season, Nichole Nordeman

Don't have a lot of time to write tonight, so more on why I posted this later...let's just say for now that there is LOTS of change happening and I am holding on tight. All I hear is Jesus asking, "Do you trust me?"

It's Been Awhile...

2010-11-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Blogging for me is really hard. This past year an a half has been busier, crazier and just down right insane, more than ever in my life. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE what the Lord has called me to, but I never anticipated this would be what life would look like.

I realize I have many friend across the country who want to know what is going on in the life of Erin and to be honest, I can't be consistent in calling everyone I love as often as I would like to think I can. So...I guess blogging is going to be the best way to keep people caught up on my life.

Multiple people have emailed recently, asking me why I don't blog anymore. That cracks me up because most of this is just me babbling, but if anyone cares to hear the babble, then read on!

So I live in Portland now...well actually Camas, WA, which is about 15-20 minutes outside of Portland. I am on Young Life staff, acting as the Area Director which means I oversee the ministry of Young Life in this community, which is 3 high schools and 5 middle schools. I seriously love what God has called me to and can not imagine a more perfect fit for me.

I am not going to lie....it's REALLY exhausting and I am learning a lot about what it means to take time of solitude. I am not good at that. I don't know many people in ministry who are...but that is NO excuse. For me to think it is even remotely possible to give and pour my life out to others and not have time to sit, be still and be re-fuel is PSYCHO...yet I don't make time for this.

It is hard living so far from my family. I am originally from Florida and I really miss them. Therefore, I am also learning how to be confident in what God has called me to and find rest in that. I love living the Northwest, but sometimes I wish Portland and Florida were next door to each other....or that my family would move here....or maybe not b/c of the rain out here and I know that my family could not live without sunshine (and the warm ocean).

I love my friendships out here. Although I feel lonely a lot because of how busy I am and having a lack of time for my friends, I realize the value in them and I am hoping to get better at time not only time of solitude, but time for fun too! I do miss my friendships from my past and thank you Jesus that I still talk to most of them, for NO ONE can replace them, but I am thankful that God has given me sweet friendships out here. I am still longing for more "iron" friendships but I know those come with time.

I have a couple incredible mentors out here. This is something that I thank the Lord for everyday. I would not of survived my first year on YL staff without these amazing men and women pouring into my life. I could write a book at what I have learned from them and I am sure you will get glimpses of there wisdom as I will most likely be quoting them quite a bit on this blog. That's what happens when you have people kicking your butt. It is sharpening me into more and more of the woman God has called me to be.

I am learning a lot right now about the difference in pleasing God and trusting God. I tend to try and please God a lot more than I choose to trust him. The bad news with this is that any type of "pleasing" I try to bring requires not trust. God is showing me that through trusting him, the overflow of my heart is what ultimately pleases him. More on this in another entry soon to come.

Welp, that's all I got. I love you, whomever you are reading this and sorry if I never answer your calls. It has no reflection on my love for you or your value to me....I am just plain insane and trying to find time to answer my phone. It will happen soon enough.

thanks for caring enough to read this babble. :)
-E

Here I go again on my own. well kinda.

2009-02-25T09:54:00.001-08:00

3 days. WOW-WEE! Can't believe it! Saying my goodbyes to friends, YL girls, church and my job has been REALLY tough. This move is not like leaving Nashville. It is wayyyy more bittersweet in the fact that I am leaving during a time that I felt completely comfortable here. I could not say that about Nashville and I think that was only because the Lord was having to leave me uncomfortable there to get me away....to prepare me for this....love high school kids and pour into their lives with my whole life.

The Lord has done so much in my heart to prepare me this this move! I am floored by the peace and confidence I have in walking this direction. It is sooooo sweet to see him speak so clearly to me this time around. I didn't hear that voice so clearly when I moved to CO....and I know that was God testing my trust....especially when none of the details were worked out. I guess this is his way of blessing my obedience by making this move so much easier as far a logistics go.

Man, my time here has been blessed and was not in vain or an accident. Although I was only here a year and a half, I know I have made an impact here and my life has been seriously changed, for I am not the woman I was when I arrived. The depth of friendships I have found here took 6 years to gain in Nashville. I am soooooooooo humbled by the fact that I have some of the most incredible and beautiful people I know now walking alongside me through life. My community will be dearly missed.

My church body in Denver, BLOOM church, has blessed me the most. I will miss being part of such a genuine and creative community of broken Christ followers. The vision and heart of Bloom is one of the most beautiful movements I have ever been a part of. Check out my church at www.bloomworship.com. I believe God will provide new community for me in Portland that will be amazing, but man, I will miss BLOOM (Steph, Brad "Buttface" Waller, Cyd-bird, Stamps, Bre and Jamie)...and the Gungors!!!!! ( I love you Lisa and Michael)!!!

So....we (KK, Kyle and I) leave on Saturday early morning!! It will be so fun to have two of my best friends drive out there with me....and then Kyle moves to Portland a month later! Yay! Thank you for all your support, encouragement and prayers during this transition. I have loved getting so many emails for you and am honored to walk through life with you!

I will keep you updated on the move...but for now I must get back to work...I have so much to do in the next 3 days!

love.to.you.all.
ERNIE

VOTE FOR RICKY BRADDY ON AMERICAN IDOL

2009-02-17T11:33:00.001-08:00

Ok peeps. One of my good friends from college is on American Idol...TONIGHT!!!

Ok…so I am asking you a HUGE favor. Even if you don’t watch AI, I am asking you to make an exception watch tonight….

WHY you ask? Well one of my good friends from college, Ricky Braddy is in the top 36 and will sing tonight!!! He needs as many votes as possible to stay on the show. Tonight they will take the 36 and narrow it down to 12.

Ricky has been the ONLY guy of the 36 contestants that America has not heard sing yet (but he is one the judges top 3)…and he is the most talented. The odds are already against him, so It is going to be REALLY hard to keep him on the show if he doesn’t get enough votes. So PLEASE watch the show tonight and vote. Vote as many times as your fingers will allow. IT'S FREE, so it will not cost you a thing!

Thanks so much Friends! PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME if you don't know Ricky personally!!!

LOVE.

Hello Lord

2009-01-02T10:37:00.000-08:00

Ok..I love Sara Groves. There is a song from her older album "Conversations" called "Hello Lord" that is stuck in my head today. The words in this song are the exact words I would write in a letter to God today. So here they are...but they are not my own...just to make sure you don't think that I am the author.

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.
I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.
And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering

This move to Portland is getting the best of me. I am soooo excited...but also super nervous. I have no idea where it is coming from. I am NEVER like this but then again I have always made REALLY QUICK decisions when I move. I have had months and months to process this...which I am learning is wearing on me because I wasn't taking my thoughts captive like I should have.

Is it the unknown that scares me? Sure. But everything is relatively unknown. We THINK we know what's going to happen but REALLY our Father had been in control the entire time. Everything thus far that I dreamed of doing or THOUGHT I would do has gone VERY differently than I planned. SOOOOO much better than my plans. I am learning just how much of a planner I am and how while I know the Lord delights in our dreaming, I think He also requires us to hold on to thing loosely. I CLING to my plans and that eliminates the need for trust. Brennan Manning says in his book "Ruthless Trust", "Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love". AMEN and AMEN. Man oh man I want to trust Him more. I want to walk in confidence in the direction He leads...and I believe I will. I believe in the calling he has put on my life to love high school kids. I need to feel the weight of that and walk accordingly with thankfulness and honor for what I am able to serve him through!

I am going to Portland to visit January 15-19. I am excited about the trip, not only to meet people but also to explore the new city that I will call home! Maybe this trip will help in that trust. Or maybe I should start fervently seeking Him to gain that trust. whoa.

Ok, that's all for now. If you are new to reading this, just be prepared for my entire vulnerability and honesty. I don't hold back. haha.

Love to you!

I was made for this.

2008-12-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

This is an email I recieved from one of my sweet Young Life girls. What a honor it is to work with high school girls like her. This is not to brag or boast, but just to show you how much I am soooooooo not worthy of being used in these kids' lives but He still chooses to use me...broken and all...

erin elizabeth conner!

first of all, happy tuesday. i hope you slept last night, and i hope you have an awesome day today. secondly, i feel like i need to tell you this. i love you so much erin. i dont think that anyone in my entire life has made such an impact as you have. not only do i strive to be just like you every single day, but i admire your strength and willingness to stand up for God. you prove to me every time i see you that it IS possible to live life without negativity and conformity. (contrary to popular belief.) it amazes me SO MUCH that you can stay as faithful as you are and how headstrong you are. you inspire me to make choices for me, regardless of what others are doing or thinking. i wrote about how much of an impact you have made in my life in every single one of my college essays, because when i was asked, "who has made the most impact in your life, and why?" you came to mind every single time. i dont know what the hell you were thinking taking on this stubborn, impatient semi-alcoholic atheist a year and a half ago, but i am glad you did, e. i love that i can talk to you about anything, regardless of the situation. i love that you don't juge me, or make assumptions based on my actions. erin, you are truly genuine, and i want you to know from the bottom of my heart that i care for you so so so much, and i am SO thankful that God has placed you in my life. i am SO mad at him right now for taking you out of my life, but i know that he needs you to take on other little brats just like me and show him to them. And he also knows that i will need somewhere cool to visit during college when i am going crazy. so thank you for everything you do, and i love you. hang in there, babes. just like you tell me all the time, things will be okay, i promise. :)

Like the Young Life tagline says, "I was made for this".

2008-11-25T10:29:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

This is my Thanksgiving card to my family who I miss so much and can't afford to go home and see this year! Enjoy!

Your Love is Strong

2008-10-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Your Love is Strong, by Jon Foreman
Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day
So why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed beThy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

I have had this song on repeat for days now. I just can’t get enough of it. Sooo simple but resonates so much with my heart.

My favorite part: Why should I worry, why do I freak out. God knows what I need, you know what I need.
And then: Two things you told me, That you are strong, And you love me, Yes, you love me

I have wasted far too much worrying about my future. Lately I have found so much peace in just resting and trusting this past month. It seems the more I have rested, the more I have heard Him. Imagine that!

The truth he is, he does know what I need. And he will give me what I need. AND he is strong. Stronger than anything that could ever come at me. I shouldn’t fear. He loves me. Wow, how he loves me and has promised me great things. All of those promises will come to fruition. I believe it. I don’t want to manipulate a single thing because I want His best in every area of my life and the sweetest blessings will come from a place where my heart fully trusts in my Fathers unfailing goodness and love.

A lot of change is being stirred up, where it looks as if I will not be living in Colorado much longer. Sad...but excited for the future and where God is taking me. In the meantime, I am enjoying my time here, my relationships and all the ways God is blessing me. I have some of my VERY DEAREST friends coming to visit me a week from this Friday. I am overjoyed to see these girls again. Some of my best gyels from college who walked through so much life with me. And now almost 3 years since we have all lived in the same place, we get to catch up, talk about life now and what the Lord has been doing. I love it. I love community with friends that you know will be a part of your life for the rest of your life.

THEN I am going to NYC to see my sister...well childhood best friend, but she is really more a sister to me than a friend...we pretty much lived together. She blessed me with a plane ticket to come see her in NYC for a Christmas present. I love NYC and I am sooooooo stoked that we get to hang out and spend sweet time just catching up! I just adore her.

The Lord has truly blessed me with great friends and really great things to look forward to. I will be going to visit Portland and Nashville soon too! YAY! I am just so happy and content right now. Of course there are tiny flares of anxiety at times about different situations, but I am trusting God for his promises regardless of the outcome and believing everything will work out for the greater good. Totes.

So there we are. I need to get better at this blogging thing. I just don’t think to do it very much. Ok, gotta get back to work. Loves to you all. Peace.

Enjoying Today

2008-10-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Restlessness. I feel it so much. The world is mine to conquer right now, yet I feel restless. Not restless because I am stuck somewhere….but restless because I don’t know where to go….which direction to walk. I keep making plans. I keep getting anxious….and then, at the end of the day, I feel exhausted because I have spent my whole day worrying about what is next and if this or that would be a mistake. Gosh I hate that. I know what scripture says. “Be anxious about NOTHING, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thankfulness, make your requests known to God and HE will give you the desires of your heart.” I feel like I am screaming my requests to God and he is trying to answer but my anxiety gets in the way of hearing. I am trying to be still and calm…yet I keep moving, filling my time up and missing the point of what it really means to LEAN IN and listen. I know this is all so silly, but I just have to be honest with what is going on in my life…stubbornness and all.

I was talking to my mom last night on the phone. She is so sweet. LOVES me so much and believes in all God has for me. Of all people in my life on this earth, Margie Conner is my biggest fan. I absolutely adore her. She was talking to me about being still and a whole bunch of other stuff that I am sure was wise and great, but I just didn’t feel like hearing it, so I tuned her out. At one point I even pulled the phone away from my ear to watch the VP debate clips and what all the political analysts on the news stations had to say. As I put the phone back up to my ear to tell her I had to go, I heard these words…”Enjoy each day as it comes and make the best of what you have…no matter how crappy of a situation you are in, there is always something to be thankful for in it. You live in Colorado, one of the most beautiful places in our country, that alone should make you thankful and excited to enjoy the season God has you there…because you will miss it one day when you move. Your friends are great blessings…enjoy your time with them. In all things just enjoy today and let God handle the tomorrows. And know that you are NEVER stuck somewhere. You will not be here in this season forever and change is coming very soon.”

Gosh I needed that. I don’t have it so bad. So what, I don’t like my job….it pays the bills and I actually get to work alongside some pretty amazing people who believe in me and will be supporters in my ministry for the rest of my life. I have great friends who love me well and I love dearly, I get to wake up every morning and look out my bedroom window to see a view of Pikes Peak and I have had a blast living here. I live in a place that I have always viewed as a place of rest. A place I knew God would lead me one day for a season of rest and to hear from him. In no way, shape, or form have I taken advantage of that rest. I know God has BIG plans for me and I should probably be tapping into that rest right now because who knows when I will ever have this time again. Gosh, my passionate spirit can sometimes get a hold of me in the wrong way. I know God planted “world changing” passions there and I HAVE to believe that he will bring it all to fruition.

So here’s to having a blast in my time left here in CO. Here’s to great friends, many more adventures, laughs and excitement for what’s ahead of us. ENJOY TODAY and let God do the rest! Thanks Mom!

2008-09-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is all my heart can sing this morning. Wise lyrics by a sweet friend and a woman I look up to so very much...

Let me be in love with what you love
Let me be most satisfied in you
Forsaking what this world has offered me
I choose to be in love with you

Let me know the peace that’s mine in you
Let me know the joy my heart can feel
For I have nothing Lord apart from you
I choose to call on Christ in me

For in the fullness of who you are
I will rest in this place
Giving over this, my journey Lord
I see nothing but your face

And I bow down
Humbly I bow down
Humbly I bow down
I bow down

Let me know that you have loved me first
Let me know the weight of my response
For you have long pursued my wandering heart
I choose to glory in the cross
I will choose to glory in the cross.
I will choose to be in LOVE…with you!

CHOOSE, by Christy Nockels

Making my hope sure

2008-08-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: Clinging to the Cross by Tim Hughes. Listen to this song…it is amazing!

I absolutely love this song. I heard it a long time ago and was recently reminded of it when I heard it on one of my dear friends’ blogs. It rings such truth, resonates so much with my heart right now.

I have had a whirlwind of emotions sweep over me lately. I have been really frustrated with the silence of God in my life. He is there, oh he is there, but seems to be so quiet. I am at a place where I know he is preparing me…and that my “anonymous years” are not held in vain, but in the same I feel so unused, so unproductive, so bored. So… I have been mad at him. Why would you do this? Why would you move me away from Nashville, where the people who know me to my core are, where comfort is, and then plant me here where I am once again left with feeling unsettled and bored….and not feeling an impact on the Kingdom. I just want him to tell me what it is that all this preparation is for…all this time of waiting and waiting……

The truth is…he has been speaking all along. The truth is HE knows me better than anyone ever will…and I am INDEED having an impact on the Kingdom. I have plugged my ears like a little child. I was so busy asking everyone else for answers. So busy distracting myself from hearing him because I really didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I want him to tell me what I wanted to hear not what his will was. So I was silenced. I sat on my porch and for the first time in awhile I heard him. I sat and sat and listened and listened…and pressed in for the first time in awhile…and I heard “I am making your hope sure”. I thought on this for awhile and then found this in Hebrews 6 …”God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.”

I just love this. He is not unjust. He will not forget us. BUT he wants us to show diligence to the VERY end. And all of this to make our hope sure. We will inherit what he has promised. I needed to hear that so bad.

Lots of opportunity ahead. Lots of different directions…but I know where my hope is found. I know where to cling to.

Simply to the cross I cling…Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me…Hope is here as I am free
Jesus, You are all I need
Clinging to the cross

Cling to him. Wait on him. He will not disappoint.

Love is Waiting...

2008-08-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
i watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could right a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start
neither should I rush my way into your heart

-"Love is Waiting", Brooke Fraser

Ok this post is a little out of the norm for me...but it was on my heart today so I figured I would write about it.....

These lyrics are just ridiculous. I am a sucker for a song like this. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am not the girl who has to be in a relationship every moment of her life. Not the girl who is depressed that she is single. I think singleness is such a sweet season of life. The Lord has my utmost attention. No distractions and from experience...when someone does come along, it is a battle to continue that sweet time with the Lord. I think this season only prepares us more for what's to come. So if being single for years means that much more preparation is needed, then that's fine because I would hate to cheat any of that time. I have however, had a few friends in the past few months say they think I will be married in a year. haha....makes me laugh a little. we shall see...but I am not even close to banking on that.

Now, that is not to say I am not excited about marriage. I am absolutely stoked. It is going to be so amazing and the thought of having someone to lock arms with, do life with and work at expanding the Kingdom together makes me more excited than words can say. I can't wait to love some one as much as I will love him!

The bridge of this song is what gets me..."I could right a million songs about the way you say my name...I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again". Geeeezzzzzzzz....that just makes me so excited! ...but here is the second part..." I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start...neither should I rush my way into your heart". Dang! I feel like there is such an epidemic of this generation to RUSH at love. I can't tell you how many girls I ask "what is your dream" and they say "to get married". Now as cute as that sounds....I would hate to say that was my only dream. I am a girl of much vision, so for getting married to be the ONLY thing I want in this life just makes me sad. The MRS degree is just not what I went to college for and it is definitely not ALL I want in this life. I don't want to rush at anything, much more, getting married just for the sake of it being my "dream". Do I know what I want YES ( side note: and not a word from any of you who are older than me and you know who YOU are...there is a specific scripture in the WORD that says to not look down on those younger :)...and plus most of you know I am more mature than most of your 30 plus year old selves ;) )...and if I met that person, could I go fast...sure....but that is not my goal to meet someone and get married as fast as I can.

I can't tell you how many talks I have with my precious high school girls about this topic. It seems society has told us that to be single is to be a loser. I couldn't disagree more. I want my girls to see that value and sweetness of this time. I want these girls to have dreams for their lives and KNOW THEIR WORTH in Christ before they ever settle down. From my own personal experience of watching this first hand in my family's life, the last thing I wish over these girls is for them to rush into something and wake up one day when they are 40 and have no clue who they really are and don't really know what they are passionate about. I want them to be world changers and not just the wife (or husband...not tryin to discriminate ;) ) of so-and-so....without any other identity but that. Not to say I will not be so proud to be his wife...but my identity reaches far outside that as well. It's in Christ.

I do dream of him...all the time. I pray for him everyday. I can't wait to meet him. I miss him (is that even possible?...i really do though)....But I am willing to wait. give it time, give space and be still....for when it is time to walk that way I want to walk it well.

So whether it is a year from now or 10 years from now...I'll be waiting for him. Love is waiting til we're ready...til it's right.

Love is Waiting....

A bunch of thoughts....

2008-08-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

This post is just going to be random, just like me :)

The lighter/funny post:

Last night a bunch of my friends and I were hanging on my front porch (the greatest porch ever). We were discussing my new favorite thing. It is a blog. My friend Brad and his buddies introduced it to me this past Sunday. It’s called “Stuff Christians Like”….go read it…so freaking funny and true!

There was a post in their about how people...whether married or just dating....seem to have hard time not touching each other in Church. We were also talking about how "friends" giving back massages to each other is not very smart when you are the opposite sex. We all know whose people in Church and then we definitely know those "friends". I have had my fair share of being one of those "Friend massagers" in my past. We were all laughing about different situations and debating on the topic. Personally, I get annoyed by couples rubbing each others back or even worse...LEG during church...it is just not necessary and really gross to me. It doesn't mean you don't love your significant other if you don't do that...AND it is distracting to everyone else. Just wait until you get to the car. haha.

The whole "friend massage" thing was what was funny. Here is why...

We talked about how it always has another meaning behind it when you are "just friends". Now i will admit. I do love my friends and I can be touchy...not too much though. I discern how people are about it. One thing i debated on was giving my guy friends a massage. Too intimate for friends. We were really debating this subject b/c for me at least, there have been exceptions to the rule. They are guys in my life who are like brothers to me and I would NEVER be in a relationship with them...just not attracted to them in that way. BUT....who is to say that they aren't attracted to me. I mean, I am pretty dang beautiful :). (that is just for YOU and you people know who you are :) ). Anyway...I just realized I should just not do that whatsoever, just to be safe, no matter how much I think it is harmless.

Ok...so not even 10 mins later, a girl friend of mine asked one of our guy friends to pop her back. She walked over and he proceeded to stand behind her and pick her up by her arms laying across her chest. We heard a loud pop. It sounded like it felt good. So now we all did it...including me. DANG IT. All that talk for nothing. haha. Popping a back may not be considered a massage...but it kind of defeated the purpose of what I was saying. I laughed pretty hard.

So I am bored today at work. Well actually I have a ton to do but it is just kind of repeative stuff today...

but I know God is up to something. BIG THINGS. I know that a job will come along that will totally fit my gitting and my passions. I do love Young Life....this role is just not a good fit for me. So I am excited for what God has next for me!! That may require moving but not too far

away :). I just love how the Lord never stops shaping vision in our lives. Now if only he would write what is next for me in the sky :)

I choose excitement over fear in this season!

Cheesy...yes, yes i know :) ...hope it made you smile a little though!

Have a great day!

I love the homeless...

2008-07-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

One thing I have noticed since moving out here to Colorado Springs is that there is not a very large population of the homeless. Coming from Nashville and St. Auggie, FL before that, homelessness has ALWAYS been pretty prominent. My dad, who I adore, has taught my brother and I to always love these people well. Yes, some of them do CHOOSE to not work, which is very frustrating....but an even larger percentage don't really have a choice. Medical and mental conditions leave these people with no hope of even McDonald's hiring them. The medicines that could help them are far too expensive to afford. So they turn to begging for money. They turn to getting what they can from the unfortunate trend among the homeless...drugs and alcohol. They want an out to how they feel and just like any other rich man for that matter, these "addictions" seem to numb the pain for a little while.

Today, I ran across one. Actually many. They were all gathered outside the Starbucks that I go to a couple times a week. They were all talking to each other about putting their money together to get some coffee and bagels. One had about $4, another $0.50 and the rest probably had a total of $2 all together. There was about 8 of them. Through pooling their money together, they figured out they could buy 2 large cups of coffee and 4 bagels. Not enough for 8 people.

I watched as people passed them by and just stared. I watched them try to ask the passers by for change and no one even looked their way. They were frustrated...and so was I for them.

Going back to the homeless woman who had the $4...she had been saving that money to buy her favorite drink. How do I know, well she said it in the beginning. She said " well i have $4, but I really wanted to buy a Carmel flapaccino with it (yes she called it a flapaccino)....but I would rather none of you go hungry since we all haven't eaten in days." Now, I don't know if that strikes a nerve in you or what....but here is this homeless woman....who has $4 to her name, while passers by could have hundreds, thousands or even millions...and she is giving HER money to buy her friends food. That picture just really struck me. I was mad.

Every fiber in me wanted to jump up and ask them all what they wanted to eat and go buy it....but something stopped me. I couldn't figure out why. I started praying and thought about this story...a story that came to life today.

Mark 12:41-44

Sitting across from the offering box, he was observing how the crowd tossed money in for the collection. Many of the rich were making large contributions. One poor widow came up and put in two small coins—a measly two cents. Jesus called his disciples over and said, "The truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection than all the others put together. All the others gave what they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford—she gave her all."

Sure, I could of stepped in and said, no don't worry about it....I will buy everything. Would I have missed the money...probably not in the large scheme of things. Would I have forgotten it by the end of the day, probably. There was an opportunity for scripture to come alive and I didn't want to ruin it. I wanted to step in, but the experience of seeing the selflessness of this woman far out weighed me wanting to put a mark on my check list of doing a good deed today.

So I watched as they bought their food and ate it together in community. They split up the bagels in half and split the two cups of coffee among the 8 of them. They laughed and enjoy their food, living in community. They talked about where the slept last night, funny "rich" people they saw this week (which I laughed silently with them....people can be so dumb sometimes) and overall just enjoyed each other's company.

Time was running short and I needed to get to work, so I began to gather my things....and then had an idea. I went into Starbucks and ordered a Carmel Flapaccino. I walked out the door and handed it to that woman who had been saving up her money for it. She looked at me with a huge smile on her face and I simply said "Thank You". She asked "For what" and I told her "for reminding me about what life is really all about. You blessed me". She smiled and nodded.

She gave her all, for the sake of helping others. For the sake of knowing regardless of what she wanted, they needed it more. Whether she knew or not, she did exactly what Jesus has commanded us to do. That was a sweet reminder of how scripture is still for today. Living as Jesus lived is still for today.

I am thankful for running into the homeless today. They reminded me of how you can be rich in spirit, even when you are poor financially. I want to be rich in spirit. That is why I miss the homeless. Not because it makes me feel good to give to them, but because of how much I learn from them. They have a perspective on life that will stop you in your tracks and make you wanna slow down.

So next time you run into someone who may be less fortunate than you financially, don't just give to them to mark it off your list, but learn from them. They all have something to teach, even the crazy ones who tell you the world is ending and we better take cover. You can learn about what it looks like to live your life in fear constantly from those :).

we have a reason

2008-07-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

“All of my Life…in every season…You are still God….I have a reason to sing….I have a reason to worship.” –Desert Prayer, Brooke Fraser

This lyric was on my heart this morning as I woke up. A ton of people have heard this song and the testimony of the girl singing it is amazing. Yes, I could be bias because she happens to be one of my dearest friends in the world, but in all honesty, the story of God’s glory thorough the son He blessed her and her hubby with for such a brief moment is what speaks far more than any lyric or vocal ability could EVER could. Although her talent has amazed me for years…it is her heart that is the sweetest part! Watch it and be blessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY

God doesn’t make sense sometimes. There are times that I literally throw my hands up and said “What the heck….what are you doing and WHY?” His ways are just so peculiar and not very logical to our human standards of how WE think it should go. He brings so much JOY to our lives. He is the source of it. Then tragedy hits. We have a choice on how to react and honestly, it is hard to react any other way than pissed. But like I said…we have a choice.

You see…nothing would pissed the enemy off more than to CHOOSE to worship in the midst of situations that knock the breath out of us. Her breath was knocked out of her…yet she chose to worship. Why? I have never been in that EXACT situation, but what I can say is there is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING that can separate us from the love that is found in Christ Jesus. NOTHING. The Greek for that is NO-THING. So with that said…she chose to worship, my mentor chose to worship and many more amazing woman in my life have chosen to worship because we have a reason. We have a reason to still worship the God who still wakes us up every morning and reminds us of how much he delights in us and is ever so near to the broken hearted…the crushed in spirit. I don’t know about you, but I don’t always hear those words, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t whispering them…it just means I am not being still long enough to listen. We have a reason to sing because he has rescued us from the grave. We have a reason to worship because we will one day be with Him for eternity, and all those who have gone before us will be there too…worshiping with us. He is in the moments of despair. He is in the moments of un-explainable joy. He is there, here and will be in our futures. Nothing will change that. THAT is worth singing about….someone who never leaves us or gives up.

I got to talk to my Jilly last night. It is so sweet to see her face and think about our journey together through life….and then to see the journey we continue to walk on separately, but are still invested in one another. Two separate journey’s…two separate seasons of life…but still walking together. Amazing. The community that He gives us is so amazing. The people he places in our lives are such a glimpse at how much he is freaking obsessed with us. I am thankful for her. I am thankful for people who speak into my life. People who never give up on us…just like Christ.

My future right now looks so blurry, yet so clear. I am sorting through passions and watching God open doors, yet don’t know which way to walk. It makes me so excited for what is to come, yet a bit scared of have to go through the transition again. It also reminds me that he is my home. I never know where I am going next and just when I feel I have built incredible community, I feel ripped up by my roots once again. I guess I am getting used to a life of complete abandonment to Christ. Giving all I have and all I find comfort in and just saying “Yes” to what is next. Choosing to worship through the fear and trembling and knowing in the midst, I serve a God who is wayyyyyyy more sovereign than anything that hits me. Thank God for vision and dreams….I truly do have a reason to worship.

So whether the season is bringing more pain than we could ever stand, more uncertainty that we could ever comprehend or more joy that we can contain…we have a reason to sing. We have a reason to worship. We have a reason to trust the same God who has never and will never leave us out to dry. That thought alone puts me face down.

2008-06-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night was so fun! I went to my friend Brad's house for a cookout with a bunch of peeps. We danced the night away to Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie and John Ford Coley and England Dan. We played Simon Says. We ate Brats and the yummiest s'mores known to man/woman. Laughed our butts off. I walked away last night with very sleepy eyes and a big smile on my face. Community. What we were created for. Connection...Harmony...Community....one in spirit and in mind. I love it.

Philippians 2 says, " Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind."

You see, the peeps I was with LOVE Jesus. We share that in common. Our relationships look different from person to person, but we all love him. Spending time with each other I was reminded of him. The joy I share, the fun we have...THAT is Jesus...that is what he wants. Making his joy complete by being like-minded with Christ, having HIS same love and being ONE in spirit and of ONE mind. What does it mean to be like-minded with Christ? The next couple of verses hit pretty close it.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

This is EXACTLY what Christ did. We had fun last night and put the interests of others on the table. I wanted to dance, Steph wanted to play Simon says, Brad wanted to cookout and make s'mores. By putting all of our interests on the table, without any agenda or selfishness, we allow ourselves to have fun and really live out what Phil.2 is saying.

Backing up...the first part of this chapter states something very very interesting to me."...make my joy complete by having the same love". I was frustrated last night. For protection of this person I will not say much about them, but will tell you about the place my heart was in. I felt judged last night. I felt as if I could do nothing right in their eyes and to be honest....I didn't wanna try. There was no guilt in the fun we had. It was good clean fun...it just was outside of their comfort zone. I knew the exact condition of my heart and nothing about last night would make Jesus frown...BUT the way I felt towards them. It is hard to love someone who continues to push you away and your only interaction with them is them disapproving of you. I felt myself getting bitter...very bitter b/c I am sick of the box they put God in. God doesn't exist in a box. The God I know is a generous God who gives grace, peace, wisdom, strength and perseverance to work through things we face...and a spirit to make sense of it all. He is a God of communal oneness. He is personally and intimately invested in me. THAT is the God I know. With that said...none of what I just listed puts God in a box....instead he is far out of it. He is not a God that says "live this way and I am not really going to give any explanation why"....NO....he sent his son Jesus to show us exactly why. He set an example for us and showed us that even HE, God in the flesh, did not hang with perfect people. His best friends were the farthest thing from that. So what gives for the pressure of being perfect in every one's eyes and only hanging with people who do the same (even though our private lives when know one is around, wouldn't line up with our exterior). I hang with imperfection and Jesus loves those people...I am one of them!

So...I prayed. I asked God for grace and peace to love them well. I was reminded about something I heard Rob Bell say once. He said " Wanna understand God's love, grace and peace? Surround yourself with the strange, hard to love, outcast, one's you can't stand....and in that frustration of trying to love them well, you will be face to face with what it means for God to love you." Whoa. Trying to love this person well is a DIRECT reminder of what God goes through with me. I was humbled. I was quiet for awhile just thinking about that last night. Not ONLY do I love the strange and outcast...but the ones that are HARD for me to love because of how they treat me. EVEN those peeps, I am to flesh out to love well. Wow.

If I could forgive them of their past, and how they treat me, I could get a glimpse of how God loves me despite my past.

I am CHOOSING to love well...even when it is hard and you feel like knocking the "you know what" out of them". I am also choosing to be one in spirit and one in mind. Living how God intended for me to live...in commnuinty, being creative, living in harmony with others.

Union and Communion are the goal of all creativity in community. We are created for these things. Relationship with Jesus. We were made for this.

2008-06-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

While I value beyond measure everything the Lord teaches me in each season of life....i don't want this blog to just be a devotional each time.

That just doesn't match my personality. I am crazy and random. I want this blog to reflect just that!

So...sometimes I will be serious...others will just be funny or random...and others will be a bit of both!!

I just got back from taking 9 girls to Young Life camp in Fraser, CO. The camp is called Crooked Creek Ranch. It is absolutely beautiful and I am in complete awe that the Lord has blessed this mission with such beautiful camps all across the world.

The girls who went on this trip we all girls who have either grown up in the military or have lived in a military community their whole lives. Either circumstance leaves these kids with a inconsistent friends because of the constant moving and a heart of steal protecting them from letting anyone in, who will eventually leave. Walking into this "Military Young Life" ministry, I can honestly say I had no idea how hard this would truly be in comparison to my "Multicultural (or Urban) Young Life" experience in Nashville. Not that one is harder than another....they are just really different.

So my prayer walking into last week was that God would go before me and give me more than everything I needed. He did indeed answer that prayer.
9 girls...none of them Christians...none of them with stable home lives....none of them really ever hearing about the greatest love story ever and the hope that is found in that. I got the front row seat of watching the Lord break down walls around this girls. I got to see fruit spring up as it "clicked" in there sweet hearts that THERE IS indeed a God who loves them MORE than anything they could imagine and there is NOTHING that could make Him love them any less. Hearing this, these girls broke. They couldn't believe that there was that much forgiveness. 'The more you get to know him, the more you will want to be like him"....this came out of my mouth at least 5 times a day. They had this misconception that the God of the universe, the God that their YL leader Erin so DEEPLY loves. I told them that he doesn't want them to come to him being perfect, but instead, just as they are. Whoa. "You mean we don't have to quit drinking, smoking and all the other stuff BEFORE we come to him", one of my sweet girls asked. Nope. Come as you are. He loves you as you are, BUT refuses to leave you that way. He wants the BEST for your life and will go to ANY cost so that you can have HIS best.

Sure, the emotions of feeling unworthy of his love, a love that would sacrifice his own life to save them and give them life and life the fullest were present. Sure, they felt like they have screwed up WAYYYYYYYYY to much to ever come home like the prodigal son did. But at the end of the week, they walked away knowing that although his love is undeserved, it is there and he offers it freely, if we would just reach out and take it. And they did! 6 out of the 9. They stood up at "Say SO", Young Life's way of giving kids a chance to live out what Ps. 107:2 says "Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy", and proclaimed that they had decided to come home to the Father. I was OVERWHELMED by what the Lord had done and honored to get to see the fruit, which is something that any Young Life leader will tell you, is not always a guaranteed perk in this ministry. Thanks for all your prayers!!

Now on to the funny stuff. No doubt I am a leader who will ALWAYS get in trouble at camp. This year I seemed to escape it though. Every night we had wrestling matches and sumo fights, which required the kids to take pillows from the cabin outside the cabin (which is NOT allowed)...and many more things that cannot be mentioned :) . I had so much fun with these girls. I thank God for the other leader, Jenny, who joined the team 2 weeks before camp, and was clearly the adult in our cabin when I was just as stirred up as the girls. She definitely had fun with us too...she just brought me back down to earth when I was SUPER hyper. Here are just a few pics of the chaos and fun!!

Oh the joy it is to serve God through Young Life. I am blessed beyond understanding to walk through life with these kids and earn my right to be hear in their life!!!

Walk in Confidence

2008-05-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

Know your worth, walk in confidence because of that.

Any friend who has known me for awhile would tell you that the phrase above is very common to come out of my mouth. I say it a lot. I try to live it out. To know whose I am…and walking in the confidence that comes with knowing that.

Lately though I have really struggled with this. I will talk about this later in this post.

I moved here to the Springs not knowing a single person. I spent the first 3 months ridding myself of my former Music Industry Professional identity and at the same time being completely alone with no community here. God taught me a lot about how much I depended on my friendships and how much I took them for granted at times in Nashville. I walked out of those 3 months and beyond, being REALLY thankful for the iron friendships I have been blessed with thus far and experiences I have been privileged to have…but knowing that none of those things defined me.

It also made me very aware and careful of who I choose to call “best friends”. Glenn Packiam said this best in one of his blogs that spoke about the “Myth of More”. How we feel, the more people we spend time with, the richer our lives are. The truth is that meaningful relationships are rare and special and require great care, time, and attention. I am completely guilty of this. I could honestly say that most of my time in Nashville was filled with every meal cover with someone to eat with and coffee dates at least four times a week…not to mention the job I had the required well over 50 hours a week. No wonder I was exhausted when I finally arrived out here. I filled my life with more and more and more. And to be honest…I can’t say that I was completely connected with anything I was doing. I can’t say that I always was genuinely wanting to go to dinner or coffee with someone to connect, talk about life and how God was moving. I wanted to fill my empty time and although I loved these people DEARLY, my motive for hanging out was FAR from genuine at times.

All that to say, moving out here I more aware and sensitive as EVER on how I spend my time. I am not perfect at it. Do I still over book myself at moments…yes. Do I still have a hard time saying No…yes. But I KNOW that I am becoming more and more sensitive to it every day and in return, I am putting an end to those bad habits and be a better steward with time.

So I have made some great friends out here. Friends that I am comfortable to be completely myself around. I am so very thankful that it is seldom I walk away from hanging out with some of these friends and not feel like I know them any less. I am encouraged more because of the iron that provide in my life and vise versa.

But….

Lately I have noticed something weird. For one, I feel like the perceptions that some could have of me are false. It seems to be easy for people to write me off as “someone who is prideful because she worked in the Music Biz”. It is rare that a day goes by where we will all be talking and something will come up about music or something related to music and someone will not say “Oh you know that famous person too” or “ Oh look at you Miss Music Professional…you just know everyone don’t you”. Although they claim it is joking, do you really think that there could be no truth to it when someone says it EVERY time you hang out? It has started to really hurt me. Like I said earlier, I hate the thought that a lot of “who I was” is defined by a job. This is not something I chose for myself. It at times was just kind of what evolved. I hated it and that is why I have run so far from it. The funny thing is none of my friends in Nashville cared. No one cared where I worked or who I knew. They just loved me for me. I loved this. I loved that everyone knew everyone and so who cares who you know. It was great b/c it kept me from ever being prideful. PLUS they are just people. They eat, drink, go to the store and poop just like us (hahaha). BUT here something has changed. I feel like anytime people ask me about myself or where I came from and I tell them about my past, I get a look of “ You think you are so cool” or someone will actually say it. I just want to scream…” NO I DON’T”. If I really cared about that stuff I probably would of never left Nashville. That job just wasn’t me. I am not “cool” enough to walk and talk like those peeps do….and quite frankly I don’t want to.

This has really upset me. I have found myself quite bitter at friends here and having a hard time being around them.

In church yesterday we received communion. As I was sitting there, I was reminded of the fact that it just doesn’t matter what people think. Not to be naive, but it really doesn’t matter. I know who I am. I know that of all the things I want in this life, fame is not one of those. I love the kingdom and I want to see more people become a part. I am willing to go wherever and do whatever He calls me to do because of this. I know that I have found more peace here because I am finally CHOOSING to listen to Him. (side note: how cool is it that the God of the universe communicates with us and directs our path). I know I am not perfect and never will be. I know though, that I serve a God who doesn’t expect that of me…but the more I draw closer to him, the more I want to be just like him…and he was perfect. So with this said, I need to let what people think of me go. And love people well. Be myself. And if someone asks me a question about my passions or my past job or my family….to not even think twice of what people will think of me when I open my mouth.

So I chose to forgive all those people I was upset with. Who am I to hold a grudge when I have been guilty of the same thing before. I am choosing to forgive myself of the burden of trying to not look like I think I am cool, and in return makes me look fake because I am trying too hard. I am just going to be me. I don’t want to waste my time any more on trying to prove that I am not trying to prove myself. It just throws me in un-healthy place. I am also forgiving myself of allowing other people’s opinion to crush my spirit. NOTHING should get to me that much if my eyes are the one who made me.

I am glad I have had experiences that I have. I am glad that I can offer knowledge to people who have questions about different things in the Music Industry. My heart really is for equipping and encouraging worship leaders and others who feel called to music. I also love high school kids and working with the ones that no adult will go near…kids that would never step foot in a church. I love earning their friendship and in return a right to be heard in their life. That is the truth…but…at the end of the day I am not defined by either of those things. And regardless of what people think, because they are going to think what they want, I get to walk in the confidence of knowing my worth and where it comes from. Anyone who passes judgment without ever getting to know me is missing out. Their loss. But I can’t say I haven’t done the same. I definitely have passed judgment before knowing someone. I want to be better about this. I want deep rooted friendships and I know I deserve them. The peace that comes with that outweighs all else. That makes me really happy. I am excited about the rest of my journey here and the friendships I continue to make with people. I am thankful that the Lord NEVER stops refining us and teaching. I want to be a woman of integrity and he is showing me exactly what that looks like more and more everyday!

Learning and growing.......

2008-04-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

So much has changed in the past month. Life has taken many turns and I MUST say that God is definitely at work in my heart. “I am changing…less and less asleep….made of different stuff than when I began”…(gotta love B. Fraser’s wisdom in that song J). This could not be MORE true. When I think of who Erin Elizabeth Celica Conner (you are welcome Chandler J) was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even a month ago… I am awestruck at the God I serve. He just love changing us. Not because he was bored….not because he wants to torture us…but because He LOVES his kids and wants to delight in us…pulling us closer and closer to his side. Closer to who he is. Duh, wasn’t that what we created for?!
I say all this…but I am laughing because these past couple of months have not been COMPLETELY as comfortable as it seems. There are a ton of growing pains that have come with it…not to mention the incredible relationships of IRON on IRON I have gained…peeps who aren’t afraid to say what they need to say to me when I am acting foolish. Here are some things I have learned….

-Do not carry my passions as burdens….and know that God has gone before me to set into motion when each passion will flourish. I don’t have to live them all out at once.
-God’s peace is ALWAYS available to us. We pray and pray and pray for it…but the fact is, it is ALWAYS there….we just don’t always choose to tap into it.
-NEWSFLASH: spending time with Jesus everyday REALLY does change not only your attitude for the day…but your LIFE. I have realized how important it is…wait no…how it is MOST important. I can’t tell you the number of times I am late to work because of this….and how cool that I don’t get fired. How would anyone at Young Life say…you are fired for spending too much time with the Lord. AND my attitude about work is WAYYYYYYY better.
-Don’t think about it so much. (thanks Dove promise J)
-TRUST…I cannot think of a better word that describes this past month. Trusting in his will…and being obedient to it…even when you REALLY don’t want to....
-Gosh oh Gosh oh Gosh… I am learning so much about my personality. The things that make me Erin…and then those that I “claim” are me…but in reality they really don’t speak well the character I long to have. My sarcasm is one of those. I am funny…what can I say J…but when it is at others expense, I need to take a step back. God is BIG time working with me on this.

I love the journey. I love my Jesus and how he is delighting in me…even when I act like such a brat J. I love that I am growing up but still have the same child-like fun I always want to have with life. Taking life ONE DAY at time!

take it back to the start...

2008-03-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Moved from Nashville to Colorado Springs exactly 6 months ago. Worked in the music industry for 2 ½ years and never wanted to leave. God had other plans. I fought and fought and fought to hang on. Comfort. Security. But miserable. Miserable because I was not wanting to listen. I wanted to make plans that sounded good and go with them. God wasn't allowing it. He left me completely restless. That restlessness turned to discomfort. Discomfort to depression. I wanted a way out. I wanted to be a Kingdom builder but not sacrifice anything. Impossible to do, but still I tried. Didn’t work.

Finally I was awakened in Austin, TX where I was attending a Worship Conference for work. The Lord literally woke me up at 2am and asked me if I was willing to go wherever he lead. My answer was so hard to get out…but I said yes. The next day Colorado Springs was on my heart. WHAT? I have never even been there. Oh well. Compassion International was there. Young Life’s headquarters was there. Let’s go.

So I quit my job and packed my car. It literally all happened so fast that I could not even think about it. I said goodbye and didn’t look back. Meanwhile, I was in communication for a job at Compassion. The lead seemed promising. I once again had “some sort of security” to get me through where he was leading. Compassion called…the offer was off. I was half way to Colorado and half way away from Nashville. I could turn around. I didn’t. I kept going.

The best word to describe what I experienced in the next 3 months was revolutionary. No that doesn’t justify it. I would say ambitious and heart wrenching. Ok so three words…so God had set me out on an ambitious and heart wrenching revolution. My life was changing constantly. Not one single day was the same. Joy one day and utter chaos the next. I was feeling every emotion from fear and being terrified to an inexpressible joy and hope. I didn’t have job, yet God was providing. I had no friends yet God was soothing the loneliness. I had no one who knew well like my friends in Nashville did, yet God was showing me more of myself than any of those friends ever could. I had everything I needed…yet I was panicky. I wanted to know what was next. I wanted a schedule. I wanted to be busy. And I wasn’t. I was as free as a bird…and had no one to share my time with. God began to challenge my heart. He wanted to be my sole source of ALL. All comfort, all security, all I need. I was having a hard time with letting him in that far. You see, I would run to friends much faster than I ever did to God. Even though their advice a lot of times reflected God, they were not God. I tossed and tossed and turned and turned and finally broke. I knew I had to listen. So I did…and this is what he said:

“Take joy in doing my will…for the instructions for your life, will be written on your heart”. I needed to take joy in whatever he was leading me to. Whether I would have a career in cleaning bathrooms, having a high profile job, or no job at all, I was asked, no DEMANDED, to TAKE JOY! Hmmmm…

I applied for an internship with Young Life, one of my biggest passion on the earth. I love high school kids. I love the vulnerability you can still find in them. I love that they are moldable and I think they will change the world IF they have someone to tell them of the one who already did change it. I got the internship. After 3 months of applying all over Colorado Springs, from big Non-Profit organizations, to a local coffee shop…this was my first offer. After looking at the offer of $$$, I turned it down..it couldn’t pay my bills. They called me back within 2 days with a new title and new offer for salary. What I asked is what they matched. Incredible.

So here I am…working for Young Life. Writing articles for a magazine. Doing PR. Hanging out with HS kids ALLLLLL the time. Amazing. I LOVE IT!

Now fast forward. I went back to Nashville a couple days ago. Went to see my friends and have some closure to my season there. I will be honest…I secretly hoped the Lord would tell me I could come back…but he didn’t and instead I was affirmed that is not where I am to be. I was broken. I missed those people so much. I cherish the way they know me so well and are not scared to call me out. And now, the Lord is saying I cannot be back with them. I was so angry.

Did you read everything I had said before that last paragraph? God had given me all I needed and more. I had a dream of a job…not to mention the friendships I have made here are amazing and so so so what I prayed for…but I am still left wanting something I cannot have. Selfish.

I was fine before I left to go to Nashville…and not I am a wreck. I need to spend time alone…with Jesus…just like the beginning and be reminded of how he is taking care of me, how he delights in me and how he wants me to be satisfied in him ALONE and not letting the enemy (which is clearly what is trippin me up) steal my joy, when there is nothing to not be joyful about!!

My prayer is that the Lord will shake me. I know…so dangerous to pray but I need it. I am in such a funk and it is effecting those around me…and I don’t like it. So there I am…being super really honest. I know the Lord will pull me out…I just need to actually let him, instead of choosing to stay in this pit of self pity. I will get out…

As I am typing this, I reminded of the truth that has been promised to us. Never in the history of the scripture did God ever give up on his kids. Did he put them through fires...sure....but NEVER gave up. He wanted the best for his kids and so he went to all costs to give us that. I am confident that He really has the BEST in mind for me. i am so happy here in Colorado Springs and KNOW this is where I am to be....i just need to let go of Nashville and realize that those relationships are not going anywhere.

Thanks for your prayers and patience with me to both my new friends and old.